I'm almost stress free, almost...
Almost done with all my work for the semester...
I'm almost relaxed, but not quite...
Almost able to breathe in and let go...
Today was weird.
I feel like I'm on the edge of this cliff.
I'm standing here, toes peeking over. The earth is brown and the grass is matted from the weight of my shoes hovering here for hours. I can see the water swirling below me. I can hear the roar and the hush and the sighs of the waves.
All I can do, it seems, is lean into the wind rushing up from the sea. I'm frozen, uncomfortable, unsure.
It's like I have anxiety for the future, even for today. I'm all bottled up and entangled within myself.
It makes sense then that I unraveled today.
Yep, I cried.
And it was embarrassing.
I walked into my last final - which was a relaxed potluck - holding a tray of homemade enchiladas, wearing a spring dress and my crafty little headband, trying to feel put together and cute, only to set my tray on the table and start welling up.
My professor looked at me and asked the always doomed question, "Are you okay?" which of course sent me into waterworks...
I left the room feeling really pathetic with no idea why I was crying. I was at my last final for goodness sakes! And it was a POTLUCK!
Trying to regroup, I just stood there for a bit, wiping my face.
What's wrong with me?
Sleep deprivation? Anxiousness about my life and it's upcoming changes? Stress in general?
Probably all of that.
I need to relax.
More importantly, I need some Jesus time.
I need devotion time, time to invest in my relationship with the God of all that is beautiful; with the God of joy and peace and the power to overcome all of these ridiculous burdens I hold on to.
Alright God, I'm all yours.