Holla Holla How You Say?!?!?!?

Life is happening CRAZY FAST.

Way faster than "Half-Cheetah-Speed" ...

(which is around 30-35 mph).

I just had my bridal shower - which was a strangely beautiful, 

yet surreal experience.

A lot of people were there:  

family, 

family friends, 

friends from high school, 

church buddies, 

people I barely know...

And it went by so fast...

I was afraid of not really living it out.

You know,

being present.

It felt strange to celebrate getting married - 

Don't get me wrong, 

I'm so stoked about Tan's and my wedding...

And I've been looking forward to a lifetime with him for years...

But I can't believe it's almost here.

So much has been going on 
and people have been busy 

and I've been busy

and sometimes

Well, Sometimes

I forget to savor it.

I feel like I can't enjoy it.

Like I'm not allowed to until everyone else is happy 

and comfortable and tended to

or else 

I'm selfish.

Now, I know this is ridiculous, 

but let me just gush it out for a bit.

I keep getting weirdly stressed out about things that aren't worth a gray hair.

I live with my family, but feel alone in this big house everyday.

We live separate lives.

And Tanner's working so hard on finishing his degree.

It's just lonely.

Sorry.  

I know it's going to be okay.

I know these next 60 days will fly by.

I just want a day where I can be strong enough 

to resist the pull to please people all the time,

or have a day without caring 
if they think I'm being a 
crazy 

micromanaging 
psycho

and to just focus on pleasing Christ.

You know, 

I need to retreat somewhere 

away from the noise 
and demands 

of all this planning 
and running around

and mailing and stuffing and blah blah blah...

It's time I retreat to a small,
still 
place 

where I can talk to God for a while,

maybe write to Him about my weird anxiety 

that keeps flaring up,

or about how sometimes I wish 

I had just moved up to Reno when I graduated

just to let go of everything and leave it all behind.

This is precious time,

and I don't want to waste it obsessing over stupid ribbons

or excel spreadsheets at work

or that I do 95% of the house work in a home of 4 adults.

I feel like packing tonight.

I did have a kick-ass bridal shower though.

Just saying.