Feeling Silly

I've always had a hard time crying.

For some reason, I think,

deep down inside my brain -

or maybe my stomach -

I've always hated it.

Crying makes me feel weak,

vulnerable,

stupid...

I get so embarrassed when I usually cry

because I've been bottling myself up for so long,

and then I have this weird explosion of self 

all over people in public

and it's just plain awkward and humiliating.

But, I've realized some things.

God gave us emotions.

They don't just pop up to help us mate or something.

We're supposed to feel and reflect and explode a little sometimes.

Perhaps God makes me cry to remind me that it's okay to feel,

and that there's nothing wrong with crumbling  a little here and there, 

for the sake of letting Him in.

I'm allowed to cry.

There, I said it.

And this whole moving and getting married and leaving my loved ones and

change change change

is stressful.

It makes me sad to say goodbye to my parents 

and brother

and my friends

and my dog, 

yes, even my dog.

It's true, I'm getting married.

And it's true, I am blessed and excited 

to finally live with the man I've waited over 5 years to be with (!!!) -

but I believe it's okay for me to grieve leaving as well.

It's weird.

I feel like a tangled mess of syrup and spaghetti

which separately are pretty cool and alright to deal with,

but together,

well, you just don't know what to do with it.

Unless you're Buddy the Elf.

Then you savor it for all it's worth.

Hmmm...

Good thinking, Buddy...

Now, back to packing :)

This is how I draw in the morning.